Top grades in monkey torture

Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey: Sorry, Fluffy, but I really need an A

An English exam authority has a system where test-takers get adjustments to their scores for recent traumatic events. The bonus for a dead pet is 2%.

But that's neither here nor there. What I like is directly addressing animals in english with subtle threats, as in "Sorry, Fluffy, but I really need an A." Can't get enough of it. I've mined the vein myself, with "Play it stupid, man-mouse, and we might just let you live" and "Hey, you two sheepboys�stop that jibber-jabbin'!" Of course those were manimals to be precise.

But that's neither here nor there, either. The genre reminds me of my favorite skit of The State, "Monkey Torture". I only saw it once, and have been hoping to find it again ever since. I recently found a transcript of its episode here.

For reference in case that site ever goes away, I reproduce the skit's script here. I think it holds up well in text, but maybe that's just because I can still hear Thomas Lennon's unique inflection as I read it. Submitted for your approval, "Monkey Torture", written and acted by Thomas Lennon and Michael Black, from episode 201 of The State:

Barry Lutz Show

Barry Lutz (Miichael Black): Barry Lutz here with the Barry Lutz Show. My guest tonight is Dr. Martin Crank. America's foremost primate zoologist.

Dr. Crank (Thomas Lennon): Good evening.

Barry: Doctor Crank, In your many years of primate research you've developed-

Dr. Crank: Ah, research is such a restrictive term, I feel I've I opened up a whole area of research that I like to call 'monkey torture.'

Barry: Monkey torture. What exactly does this process entail?

Dr. Crank: Well, first I lure monkeys into my apartment with bananas, then they fall through a trap door into my secret lair, where they undergo extensive...monkey torture.

Barry: The rack, bamboo shoots, hot water strap basting....

Dr. Crank: No, no, it's psychological.

Barry: Psychological....for example?

Dr. Crank: Ah, well, I have this one monkey who's name is Bongo. And, uh, sometimes I'll pretend like he's dead. He'll be right there,and I'll say, uh, "Boy, I sure miss Bongo ever since he died." Then I'll pretend I can't see him. Another really good one is, uh, sometimes I'll pretend like I'm gonna set them free, I'll drive the car right up to the edge of the jungle and stop. Then I'll turn the car right back around, right back to my secret lair.

Barry: Dr. Crank, what have you learned from your many years of monkey torture?

Dr. Crank: They hate it. The whole being tortured thing. Drives them nuts.

Barry: I understand you've had a lot of trouble getting funding lately.

Dr. Crank: Well, recently, yes. This country is full of what I like to call 'bleeding heart liberals,' who I guess are turned off by the idea of torturing monkeys for no good reason. I guess all can say is "Sorry...I'm the bad guy?"

Barry: Do you have any advice- do you have any advice, Dr. Crank, for any young people who are watching the show and are interested in pursuing a career in monkey torture?

Dr. Crank: Yes, I'd say, get a monkey, and...torture the hell out of it.

Barry: I see you brought a little friend of yours with you and you're going to demonstrate some of your tortures.

Dr. Crank: This is little Ricky.

Barry: Hello, little Ricky.

Dr. Crank: Say hello.

Barry: Do you know who I am? I'm Barry Lutz!

Dr. Crank: I've got something really horrible in store for him. The first thing I'm going to do is convince Ricky--

(phone interrupts)

Barry: (answers it) Barry Lutz. It's the ASPCA, for you.

Dr. Crank: Yes...You're going to file criminal charges... if I don't quit torturing monkeys... And I'll have to take all the monkeys to the zoo where they'll be loved and cared for? Yes, good bye.

Barry: Dr. Crank, I'm so sorry. It seems as though you won't be torturing monkeys anymore.

Dr. Crank: It would seem so. If that had been the ASPCA and not my friend Terry calling from backstage.

Barry: Well Dr. Crank, you had me completely fooled.

Dr. Crank: Well, more importantly, we had little Ricky here fooled...You're not going anywhere, smart boy!

Barry: My thanks to Dr. Crank. Join us tomorrow where my guest will be Chef Paul Perdoe, who will show us how to make little edible luggage. Yeah, that does sound good!

I'm the bad guy?

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Watch it here thanks to Zooillogix

hilarious indeed.
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